Thursday, August 03, 2006

Knights in White Satin

Real Knight, or Robotic Beekeeper? You decide.

I am currently watching King Arthur, and I'm wondering... are they for real? Is this seriously a movie, like honestly, entertainment? It's ridiculous. First off, these knights are supposedly taken from some place (I can't currently be bothered with things like names) that looks to be in the area of eastern europe, and they all have English accents. Sure, they've lived there for years... but Lancelot seems to have already aquired an english accent when taken from his people. Good thing the Italians have horridly overdone, sleazy Italian accents! So then, just when the knights are supposed to be sent home after 15 years of service... j/k dudes! As your last LAST mission on behalf of the Roman empire, go rescue some Italian dude. His son is important. They show up, these guys who have been traveling the land, slaying people left and right, and Arthur is OUTRAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, the conditions in which the peasants live! This is medieval times, and the Italian guy, he is treating his subjects in a manner that is simply... Medieval! So Arthur is going to get medieval on his ass and randomly save serfs and peasants (the likes of which he's never seen before, I mean in all his time, never has he encountered a feudal system....), despite the fact that it will surely get them killed by the approaching Saxons. The leader of which pretty much has an American accent (which is funny, as it's Swede Stellan SkarsgÄrd. I suppose it's a slightly swedish-tinged american thing he has going on). Of course, he saves Guinivere, and here comes Keira Knightley's pouty lips! About half an hour after they rescue her from the brink of death, she is lounging in furs, alternately giving Arthur her come-hither look, and sassily berating him for being so Roman.

And here I am, back in the day, writing my medieval blog

And is anyone else amazed at the way in which knives and swords seem to make metal-on-metal sounds every time they enter and leave flesh? At least, they do in Hollywood. I like to imagine that all the dudes are robots. Like medieval battlebots.

Why do I continue to watch this? Renaissance fairs are more realistic. But there's Gallahad, who is very sexy. And Clive Owen, you are ridiculously overdoing this, and Arthur is a major pussy, but you too are so sexy.... god, I wish I was a tortured English peasant in need of saving.

Medieval... whaaaaaaaaat?

By the way, the title is in reference to my stalkers. Never have I rated the song "Nights in White Satin," or any Moody Blues song for that matter, yet launchcast insists upon playing it every time I listen. So I have an imaginary scenario in which Knights dressed in, yes, white satin chase me around a city. I have a very vivid imagination, you see.


p.s. I got a job! More about that later.

double-p.s. Man, I'm really starting to care about these guys, just when they're starting to die off. Dammit, why must I be such a woman?

That's it, I'm dressing up as a wench and going to find me some knights with nice big swords. But seriously, I think this is my friend Sandy's old kitchen.

Wait a minute, wait a minute... found him.

hold on... sorry old man squire-y dude, my heart has been stolen by the minstrel man.

Um, this image search is not getting old.

And this is the caption to the above picture, for reals: "Princess Valaria & Sir Andy had their dream wedding.So why don't you..? "

Seriously guys, for real. Why don't I? Any takers?


Amanda & Boulos said...

HAHAHAHA... oh wife. That was awesome. I would marry you all over again to have us share a picture like that!

Amanda & Boulos said...

We totally fucked up in that respect, huh? I mean, rum-and-coke-induced vomit on a train is a lovely picture, yes. But it isn't quite a recreation of a time when ladies were ladies and men were knights. In fact, it's kind of the opposite.