Thursday, February 09, 2006

Top Secret Vaginal Work

So I got a job, of sorts. It's actually a temp job that a 5-year-old could do, but whatever. I signed a confidentiality agreement, which makes it sound much more exciting than it really is; however I am still not going to name the place in order to keep you squirming in your seats (and, I really don't need any more internet and email related grief on the job).

I hadn't been in an office for 3 months, and I spent most of that time drinking away my memories of "work," so my first day on the job was full of fun discoveries:

  • I realized (again) how accurate Office Space is, and how that kind of makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a letter-opener. I especially hate middle-aged men who try to mask their pain/soullessness by laughing WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too loudly at bad work-related jokes
  • Brother P-Touch label makers make pointless work fun and seemingly meaningful. I love Brother P. But I HATE the mean lady who took away the label maker when I still had a good hour or two left with the thing.
  • Dick Cheney is a robot. Someone's old cover of Weekly World News told me that, and it explained so much.
  • The following title gives me the wrong impression and makes me laugh: "Pregnancy and delivery while receiving vagus nerve stimulation for the treatment of depression." What did you think that was about?

Hells, yeah, that'll relieve your depression!

Um yeah apparently I am in 7th grade. Even I know that the word would be vagis if the article was going to be everything I wanted it to be (that is, something to make me vomit with glee). No, apparently vagus stimulation = a small pulse generator is implanted in the left thoracic area, & delivers pulses to the left vagus nerve in the neck. Kudos, men of science -- nerve well-named.

  • and this is my favorite, favorite journal of all time: The Journal of Minimally Invasive Gynecology. Ah, I can only imagine how much money this journal brings in during the holiday season, when every woman alive buys her gyno a subscription. Although I was really disappointed to see there was no Journal of Maximally Invasive Gynecology. But don't worry, I totally have an idea for that.

Max Invasion!

I really wanted a picture of fisting, but google image wasn't so good at finding that one. However, I think you get the idea. That second doctor looks so creepy. He's definitely going to subtly take off the glove during the exam a la The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

Also I just found this via You Can't Make It Up. Holy fucking shit, I love it. One odd thing about it is, it made me realize that I have never seen an episode of Perfect Strangers. I know this because I was surprised to learn that the show was set in Chicago (my hometown), and the opening credits make that so abundantly clear.

Oh, and if anyone is looking to get me something for valentines day, let me give you a hint:

Although the utensils seem a little unnecessary since I will just be pouring it over ice/eventually chugging straight from the bottle. Or, you know, you could get me a really great image of fisting for the cover of the first issue of Max Invasion. Which will actually be some kind of pulp serial about a dirty gyno named Max.


Friday, February 03, 2006

Hot Perks!!!!!!

One of the good things about working at a TV network where a well-known talk show is taped means... CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just saw Dylan McDermott in the lobby, and man does he look good! He could Practice on me anytime, ow!

Alright, that's enough... I will leave you with this, yum!!


APK goes gay

This link, whick Ultragrrl posted, is possibly the best thing ever. Although maybe only to people like me who are strangely obsessed with Back to the Future -- so obsessed, I've actually watched #3. Yikes!


Oh god there ARE people dorkier than me at the Back to the Future Forum! From their website:

Welcome to the's Space-Time Continuum - Back to the Future™ Forums.

Hahaha, nerds! Also, look what I found on google. Pay close attention to the message on the photo:


Oh lordy. If anything gets an LOL, it is that.


Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Lion, the Witch... and the adorable little girl!!!!!

Boulos, Archana, Jesse, and I went to see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe last night. Interesting, dorky fact: the only movies Boulos and I have attended together in the past year and a half are Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (twice) and this one. She is the bigger loser, as those are the only movies, period, she has gone to see in over a year! Everyone laugh at Boulos.

All women of child-bearing age be forewarned: Going to see the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe will make your uterus cry out for babies. The little girl playing Lucy is SO DAMN cute, I almost demanded that my friend Jesse (who is a homosexual) impregnate me mid-movie. Of course, the next step in the plan would be to move to WWII era London, otherwise my child would not have that cute lispy accent, and she wouldn't be nearly as innocent, or dress so adorably (according to my friend Erika, they now make "slut clothes" for children. haha). Edmund, though devious, is adorable as well. I could not stay mad at that child!

The kids (ignore the two older ones): Be still my throbbing womb

Beyond the adorable children, the movie was pretty excellent. Now, I am a huge nerd. I love children's books, and as I told a friend, I became a bit emotional when the movie started because I felt like I'd been waiting my whole life for a movie version of this book. In preparation, I re-read it about a month ago. I realized that Aslan makes me kind of uncomfortable. I assume this is because the book is really good; I love Lewis's style and everything, but when it gets to Aslan, the Christian allegory aspect of the book becomes way too obvious and overwhelming. He made me uncomfortable in the movie as well. I guess I'm not ready to be face to face with Jesus just yet.

The White Witch, however, is HOT. Jesse and I were blown away by her costumes and general sex appeal. So, unsurprisingly, the devil figure appeals to me.

Who can resist Turkish delights and high fashion? Not me

Other stuff about the movie: Susan was just as much a bitch onscreen as she is in the book, so that was well-done. I enjoyed the battle scenes. There were a few incredibly cheesy moments that I did not enjoy, and I almost murdered the annoying people behind us. They were like Mystery Science Theater for idiots. Boulos, Archana and I agree: Peter is hot. We loooooove teenage movie heros. Yay pedophilia!


Notes and other stuff.

The other night, Boulos was going through some old crap. She is in perpetual preparation for the eventual move at the end of April (I have a lot of time on my hands, but prefer to pretend it's not happening). So she found some note that I had written her senior year of college, which read as follows (well, to my memory):

Dear Boulos,
Thank you for being so boul-icious. I'll be dead soon.
Tyrone Bibbins, esq.
P.s. Allyson's dad and lover is Phineas Gage

The first part of this note makes sense; it's a reference to one of our favorite Kids in the Hall sketches (though my personal favorite is "the Marriages"). But the p.s. confused us. Who is Phineas Gage? I really created a winner with this note -- you know an inside joke is great when no one involved can decipher it years later!

So today I googled ol' Phineas, and found the following on wikipedia:

Phineas P. Gage (1823 - May 21, 1860) was a railroad construction worker who suffered an unusual kind of traumatic brain injury which inflicted severe damage to parts of his frontal brain during a work accident. Gage reportedly had significant changes in personality and temperament, which provided some of the first evidence that specific parts of the brain, particularly the frontal lobes, might be involved in specific psychological processes dealing with emotion, personality and problem solving.

Ah, yes. Allyson and I had a class called Brain and Behavior that year. It should have been called: so boring, when you hear the name Phinneas you will giggle all class and Mr. Gage will become your new hero. The lecturer was so dull, this tiny bit of amusement became a running joke for awhile. Oh how I miss college (particularly horrible required science courses).

Then last night, I was looking at my brother's myspace page. He's 15 and I like to check his comments for evidence of bad behaviour (though, unfortunately, his new presence on myspace means I have to keep my profile close to squeaky clean, which is difficult for a dirty drunken slut like myself). I was reading his comments aloud to Boulos because seriously, nothing is more amusing than teenager's computer-speak. We came across the following, posted by a girl who I believe he graduated grade school with:

hey zach whats up? lol

We laughed for about 10 minutes over this. This girl is clearly VERY easily amused. Not that saying "hi" to people DOESN'T make me laugh out loud myself. But I suggest that anyone reading this find a teenager's myspace page, and after viewing all of their teenage friends' near-pornographic self-portraits and feeling dirty in a new and horrible way, view their comments. because "lol" is clearly the computer version of the word "like" within the teenage lexicon.

So boulos demanded that I post the following comment on my brother's page:

That bang was so bootleg, I had to tip out. You'd better slow your roll, lol!

This was especially amusing to us because, left to my own devices, lol was the only word here that I understood. We got the first line from a commercial that pokes fun at teens' slang (and thus we have no idea if it is authentic), and when my sister told me to "slow my roll" over christmas, I said, "you can't just make things up!" She then explained to me that it was a slang term for "calm down" that I was a few years behind on. Sigh. Yes, I am officially old.

Also, I found this today on Brooklyn Vegan:

"On the first Friday of every month, Flavorpill teams up with the Guggenheim to create a dance party under the rotunda."
Next EventsMarch 3 (9pm-1am) - Carlos D. & VHS OR BETA (DJ)April 7 (9pm-1am) - Beans
Guggenheim Museum (1071 Fifth Ave @ 89th St) $20 (free for members)

$20 is a lot, but I just might pay it. I loooooooove Interpol (Carlos D), and a chance to dance at the Guggenheim is pretty enticing.


FYI: a google image search of Kids in the Hall results in.... actual kids in a hall. Could google get more literal??