Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Last-Ditch Effort

Oh Jesus. Have you heard about this? Is Paul Walker for real, or is this the basis of some elaborate 90 minute episode of Punk'd? Maybe we should remind him of Cuba Gooding Junior, and how the first thing he did after winning an Oscar was that movie with a bunch of huskies, and now it's all Boat Trip and $10 blowjobs in sleazy gay bars for him. Well, the last part has not been verified, but I think it's fair to assume he's loitering outside the washroom at the Cock right now.
I guess maybe Paul realized that he would never win an Oscar, and wisely foresaw that he would only continue to be cast as a supporting actor in movies about high school. For about the next 5 years, until he starts to gray, and then he would be forced to act with dogs anyway. So he decided that he would be a man and choose his fate, rather than being forced into it, goddamn it, and he would just do the damn dog movie now, by CHOICE, and Cuba Gooding Jr. had better move over and make room for another cheap hustler at the Cock.
The movie industry has been whining endlessly about the fact that nobody goes to the theater anymore, and then they put out crap like this -- $10 for this? You can get a month of Netflix for that. I swear to god, if this movie makes more than $15 in matinees, I will move to Antarctica and fraternize only with animals myself. The worst of all of this is that it makes me realize I could write 15 Oscar-winning screenplays within a few weeks if I would just turn off the television, stop being so goddamned lazy, and try. Thank you, Eight Below, for furthering my self-hatred.

Incidentally, when you google image-search "Eight Below," you also find the following:

Hanging out with these folks is an amazing drunken gang-bang compared to sitting through Eight Below

Waxing your boyfriend's back: a much better use of your time and money.


Thursday, January 19, 2006

"I'm not sure, but it looks like her skate got caught in his lederhosen."

I think I have discovered my new favorite show: Skating with Celebrities, which is on Fox. Although I have to say that "celebrities" is stretching it a bit -- I'd go with "has-beens and people you've only ever vaguely heard of." I guess that's not as catchy, though.

I was skeptical about this show. First of all, it is clearly a Dancing with the Stars rip-off (though I've never seen that show) -- so much so that I keep calling it Skating with the Stars. And also it's meant to appeal to our supposed growing anticipation for the Olympics (I hate the Olympics and everything they stand for). Most importantly, Dave Coulier is on it, and it is a historical fact that everything he has ever participated in has sucked in a way that inevitably results in suicide attempts by a large percentage of viewers. If I ever see that man at a bar, which is unlikely because I am pretty sure the strongest thing he drinks is watered-down Kool-Aid, I am breaking my beer bottle, holding a shard to his neck, and maniacly screaming "NO DAVE, YOU CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then I will kill him, Olsen twins be damned. And I'm pretty sure I'll be given an award and a ticker-tape parade as a result.

But I digress. I will go back to Dave quickly: when I decided to watch this show, it was mostly because I realized that I would have a chance to watch him fall on his ass a lot, and possibly break a knee, or (God willing) even maybe take a fatal ice skate blow to the forehead. I mean, I'm not really counting on ever getting my chance with that shard of glass; most bars I frequent don't serve milk and cookies. This did not happen -- on episode 1, at least. Then I realized (and I have NO IDEA why I know any trivia concerning Dave Coulier) that he is totally into ice hockey, and has probably skated a lot. No fair! My hatred for his team was intensfied when I discovered that his partner is notorious horse-faced whiner Nancy Kerrigan -- each team is composed of a "celebrity" and a professional ice skater, though Kerrigan is the only one I'm familiar with -- and I hate that bitch too! They performed their routine as the Blues Brothers, which I'm sure Dave thought was just H-I-Larious, but I found incredibly lame. Boop! to them.

Enough Dave. I'm totally into Debbie Gibson, who continues to try and remake herself as a sultry yet wholesome adult performer (haha), but she was pretty cute, making all these sassy faces while performing to some song about kissing at breakfast. The theme was music from the movies, but they never told us the movie, so you figure that one out. I also enjoyed Kristy Swanson, who stumbled a bit and almost fell a couple of times, going for the sympathy vote. She's cute, though, and I certainly can't ice skate, so I'm into it. Todd Bridges was the other star who still seemed uneasy on his skates, but he and his partner did their little ice dance to "Wild Wild West" and it was pretty entertaining, especially since she openly admitted that she had no rhythm, while it was obviously the only thing he had going for him. He lost major points, however, when he responded to one of the judge's remarks with "Whatchu talkin' bout?", and I realized that the line was not even HIS old catch phrase, but Arnold's, and I felt really sad. The other "celebrities" were that "Good Day LA" and NFL Sunday chick Jillian Barberie, and some guy who won medals in the 1976 Olympics. They were both pretty boring, though somehow Jillian and her man wound up on top. I fear for Kristy, who's in last place. I wish we could vote for her!

They round it out with 3 judges -- some old English guy who everyone boos, based on the fact that he is a British judge, Dorothy Hamill, who apparantly has an Emmy (for what?!), and some cross-eyes gay ice skating magazine guy. The incredibly boring and egg-headed Scott Hamilton hosts it (I think he has a pact with God that no ice skating event will ever be held without him), and Summer Sanders is his co-host. Which confuses me, because I believe she is a swimmer. I am pretty sure she was silently protesting frozen water, as that would explain her poor choice of open-toed sandals at an ice rink. Does anyone remember that stupid Nickelodeon game show she hosted? God, it was dumb. I love Olympic athletes; their careers peak at like 20, and they spend the rest of their lives whoring themselves in vain, because we don't care.

So, watch this show. And I deny, in advance, any allegations that this post may be an indication that I have to much time on my hands, and should be more actively seeking a job.

Oh, and check out Dave Coulier's lame website. It totally has an explanation of how he may or may not be the subject of Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know." What a loser.

UPDATE: Oh my god NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! It used to have that explanation last year (Boulos and I were checking out his website for some reason, and yes, I am well aware that this post now makes me come off as some kind of crazed Dave Coulier fanatic). Clearly he cleaned up the site in anticipation of all the fame and glory "Skating with Celebrities" would bring him. Shit. Well, it is impossible to capture how retarded his answer to that "FAQ" was, but I do recall that it was something like 2 long paragraphs of crap that indicated it could very well have been him (thus affirming that at some point, someone actually went down on Dave Coulier, ewwwwwww), but he wasn't sure. I take this "maybe" as an indication that Alanis Morrisette has an active restraining order on him.


Portrait of a Douchebag:

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Picture Attempt!

Christmas @ The Boulos house in Jerz... how pretty is that? Just as good as any postcard you've seen!

Look at the table, so pretty! I know, kinda boring, but this is what you take pictures of, when you get a camera on Christmas morning...

Andy did quite a number deep frying the turkey on our front porch!

Here is a picture from the Boulos house at Christmas. My mom did a wonderful job hosting, and decorating (I helped w/the tree).

Alright, so pictures seem to post from the bottom up on this, so it's kind of out of order, but you get the idea. Expect more in the near future, but right now, I am so sleepy, I gotta stop! My belated birthday party is this weekend, which is quite exciting. Please look forward to more pics soon, esp. from the party! Don't worry, Amanda and I have vowed that 2006 is going to kick 2005's ass, so you will be seeing much more debauchery soon!



Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Brief Update

So I am still in Chicago, extended vacation. It's dial-up here so I have been avoiding the internet somewhat, as it is just frustrating and slow. This past weekend I had a new year's eve wedding (my aunt's), which was fun, and then my grandma's funeral the next day. I feel like I left new york 3 years ago or something. Will update with more details, and pics, when I get back to the modern world and cable modem. In the meantime, imagine this -- I'm in Milwaukee last night with my 15-year-old brother and 16-year-old cousin, and we are trying to find something to watch on my grandma's 8-channel old school television at 1:30 am. 4 channels are showing the SAME Investool infommercial. One is showing a temper-pedic bed infommercial. The Public TV station has some old guy talking on and on about god knows what, and ABC has the news on for some reason. So we were forced to watch an educational documentary called Magnificient Colorado, which was from roughly 1965. Fun, but not as fun as the time my brother and I were forced to attempt to learn french on public tv at about 3 am.