Friday, September 29, 2006

Is he talking about a lady or a fish? You decide.

Overheard conversations after 4 pm are the best, because (in my office at least), people seem to think everyone else has left. So I just heard this, said loudly and in a most incredulous manner:

"She's Swedish?"

Now, I'm not going to pretend I know what these guys are talking about, but I can't imagine that this is quite as unbelievable a fact as Dude #1 makes it sound (Dude #2 exists, but is silent in this scenario). I mean, unless she's black, or only speaks Japanese, or something.


Also, please visit this, and tomorrow, observe a moment of silence for one of history's great thespians, Mr. Steve Guttenberg.

And see this, stolen from the same blog (I think I just want to BE that guy). I need to link it for the wife, as it concerns a little tune we sometimes sing at Winnie's, and btw will undoubtedly be performing there the second weekend in December, when I shall make my triumphant return to NYC.

Lastly, I have added a new link to the right; it concerns Marmaduke and comes highly recommended.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I <3 Words (in a non-platonic kind of way)

At night before I go to sleep, I usually read awhile in bed and have a cigarette or two. I generally move through life in a sleepy fog, and when I’m in or near my bed this fog gets even thicker, so I tend to occasionally leave random items from this nightly reading session in bed with me and sleep with them. The morning I threw aside my covers and realized I had just spilled the half-full ashtray across my quilt because I had slept with it all night was particularly gross. I even momentarily considered quitting, as the whole scene was way too flophouse.

Anyway, I am currently reading “Raise High the Roofbeam, Carpenters/ Seymour: an Introduction” by J.D. Salinger, who likes to use ginormous words that I don’t know offhand. He tosses them in like they’re just another “and” or “the” (don’t remember if he always does this, it’s been awhile since I read anything else by him). I’m beginning to think of him as a bit of a vocab show-off. In any case, I am too stupid to know a lot of these words, but I am also the type who really needs to understand every nuance of what is being said. I used to just assume definitions from context, but I recently realized that this method had led me to completely mis-define the word “non-plussed,” among others, for my entire life thus far.

So, since I’m a dork and have always enjoyed reading through the dictionary anyway (though apparently not with the same gusto as old Salinger), I have been frequently consulting it during my nightly reading session.

It was no surprise, then, to realize this morning that I had slept with my dictionary. I know, I know. How slutty.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

This Is What You Get, ASSHOLES.

For a long time now, I thought that the most pathetic and ridiculous thing one could do is play “Karma Police” on a bar jukebox. I mean, come on guys, I like the song too, but it is inappropriate in a bar setting. Way to instantly turn everyone’s smiles into suicidal grimaces. Thanks for making our jovial time that much bleaker and more doomed.

But people continue to do it, again and again. And then, on Friday, I discovered that there is actually something gayer than just playing the song: holding a table-wide sing-a-long of the song while it plays on the bar jukebox.

Good going, idiots. No one has ever looked more stupid. Nice Radiohead circle jerk. And now, I have 3 or 4 suspects in my “who the hell plays this song????” investigation. You are all looking at a severe beatdown.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Unwrapped Food Stuffs

I have not written in a while, as once again my life has been a whirlwind of activities, and since most of them were focused around alcohol, and not near any computers, I have been negligent and I apologize for it.

Anyway, aside from all that boring shite, I will tell you a few things about the past couple of weeks...

A list, for old times sake, dedicated to teammate, co-star, and of course, my wife:

1)If you only ever see one more Broadway show, it should be Mamma Mia. Ok, perhaps it's my half Swedish side talking, but seriously, in addition to it being a showcase for the excellent songs of the ABBA library, it's also hilarious! It's really funny to think of someone coming up with this wacked out story around the contents of the ABBA Gold Album, and it's definitely worth a look. It also comes highly recommended by Mamma Boulos, and you can't argue with a good review from her.

2)A visit to Ocean City, MD. Despite the insane amounts of rain, it was a super cool town. It's got a really long boardwalk, and an excellent all you can eat seafood buffet. Also, it was hosting Bike Week, so my boyf's parents started talking to a couple of redneck bikers while we were walking, and thought they were super nice people despite the fact that upon discovering his Dad was from Italy, the guy literally called Andy's dad "paizan". Um... ok, thanks Mr. Hell's Angel, you are a moron.

3)The Fireman's Convention in Wildwood, NJ. Once again a weekend of drunken debauchery. I spoke with a myriad of ex-fire chiefs who were all excellent in different ways. I also met an ex member of the dept, who was such a SLEEZE!!!!!! His last name is appropriately CUNTSHAFT! Yeah, way to live up to your name there, bucko. I'm not surprised your wife left you after spending less than 30 mins with you.

4)Finally, I just found out that a girl I used to be friends with in junior high/high school has gotten a divorce. Despite everything that happened between us, most of which I can't really specifically remember, I feel really bad for her. I can't imagine that. We are only 25, it just seems really insane to me. I suppose it's better that they didn't have kids, but still the whole thing is still mind blowing to me.

5)Ok, this is the last item actually... I just watched the premiere of Studio 60, and it was FANTASTIC!! Watch it... Chandler + Evil Eric= brilliant comedic genius.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Princess Consuela Banahammock

I like my name, I really do. I am super happy to be Amanda. However, I am reading through a report at work, and it is with some sadness that I realize I will never know what it is like to be named LemLem.

What an awesome name.

Also, this is a really neat idea. If I start writing now, maybe I can enter the 2015 contest. I think I know what the protaganist's name should be...

Friday, September 08, 2006

Children, Sunshine, Daydreams... and Terrifyingly Ugly People (in love!)

I watch a lot of TV.

Let me get more specific: I watch a lot of TV, and a good deal of it is BAD TV. Luckily for you, I also have ti-faux. Thus, when I am watching my crappy television shows, I can pause, rewind, and scribble down some of wonderful things one hears while watching bad nighttime soap operas and reality tv. In fact, I have a couple of amazing quotes to share right now.

The first comes from Beverly Hills, 90210. Donna Martin, of course (who else can say such ridiculously na├»ve things in such an earnest way?). Picture this: Donna Martin has recently lost the Rose Queen title to some black chick. They are suddenly really good friends, and Donna has to cover for her at this neighborhood convenience store – and by “neighborhood” we of course mean “ghetto.” Her boyfriend (who is subtly portrayed as a bit of a closet racist) picks her up and they run out of gas (?!?!?!Who runs out of gas in a city?!?!?!) and they are very nearly almost messed with but this kid that Donna befriended at the ghettostore saves them. They go to his apartment and realize that his mother leaves him alone with the other two kids most of the day. Boo hoo, this breaks Donna Martin’s heart. Coincidentally, her sorority is holding a casino fundraiser for children at the Peach Pit After Dark (I feel ridiculous even writing these things, who wrote this show??) Brandon is losing his shit at the tables, and the Rose Queen is standing by – um didn’t she have Rose duties? Why was Donna covering for her in the first place? Donna eventually meets her there and reveals that she would like to help the kid out in some way. Her friend gets really defensive, presumably because Donna met him in her ghettoville. And Donna, that saucy little saint, says (in reference to the Rose Court or whatever they call it):

“I mean, what is the theme we’ve been talking about since day one? Kids, laughter and dreams.”
What, no rainbows, unicorns and puppies? Wtf? Why not Lisa Frank-ify it a little further? Why not make it a little more abstract and meaningless? Btw, this is not a one-time thing – a few episodes later, when they bring Christmas gifts to children, Donna mentions the kids, laughter and dreams again. And I peed my couch, again.

Our second excellent quote comes from Extreme Makeover. I realize this show is very 2002 or so, but the Style network was on and I was not paying attention. Then I was totally sucked in. Because as it happens, two people undergoing makeovers for the show FELL IN LOVE!!!!!!! Can you believe it? Two self-loathing misfits met during their series of plastic surgeries and discovered they were soulmates! FYI, watching their first kiss – both of their noses and her chin all bandaged up for the occasion – was utterly disgusting. And the sounds they made indicated he had, at the age of 22 or so, NEVER kissed a girl before (she was married previously so we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt).

So, we get to the end of the show. It should be noted that the guy was not UGLY. He looked like one of the quiet nerdy types from high school, yes, but like the quiet nerd you just might date (of course, I have very low standards). Apparently he had been beat up and they also removed scars that made him cry sometimes? Um I’m not very clear on this, as I was doing dishes and general housework during the majority of this episode. Anyway, after the exxxxxxxxxxtreme makeover, he looked like Clay Aiken. This, to me, was not at all an improvement. In fact, he looked worse than Clay because it was obvious that he had undergone plastic surgery. I don’t know why they decided he needed to look like an effeminate male lesbian (aka Gayken), but they did.

Anyway, the Xtreme makeover people convince us that they are in love, he attends her big premiere as a busty not-quite-as-big-nosed babe, and they fall into one another’s arms. Yes folks, this relationship will last all of 5 seconds once they turn off the cameras. Or who knows, maybe someone who goes on xtreme makeover is – duh – destined to find their soulmate only in another xxxxxxxxxxtreme makeover participant. Regardless, the narrator’s last line was sooo condescending and awful and heartbreaking, yet hilarious, I had to share:

“James and Kasey: From lonely and homely, to lovely and loved.”

And around the country, a new generation of pre-anorexic, future self-mutilating, plastic surgery addicts-to-be shed little tears of joy (from the wonky mis-shaped eye, not the good one).

Thursday, September 07, 2006

What Happens When I am Allowed Out of My Cube

Offices are so weird.

1) Why did someone totally shut down the coffee machine at 3:30 pm? Come on, man, I need my midafternoon cup. (it should be noted that nearly everyone at my office seems to have a 1 hour+ commute and some of us might need caffeine to stay awake behind the wheel).

2) And if we are shutting down the coffee machine at 3ish, who is making a lean cuisine at 4:20? Is this dinner at the office? If so, how sad is a lean cuisine at your desk for dinner? Will your cats be moving in here anytime soon?

3) Why are there so many cute boys here that I have yet to be introduced to? Why did the cutest one just catch me touching my boobs in an awkward manner? I mean, I wasn’t doing anything weird or perverted – I’m wearing a new shirt and it seems to weirdly blouse out at the top of my cleavage and I was smoothing it… oh forget it. I’m a perv and now he knows.