Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Last-Ditch Effort

Oh Jesus. Have you heard about this? Is Paul Walker for real, or is this the basis of some elaborate 90 minute episode of Punk'd? Maybe we should remind him of Cuba Gooding Junior, and how the first thing he did after winning an Oscar was that movie with a bunch of huskies, and now it's all Boat Trip and $10 blowjobs in sleazy gay bars for him. Well, the last part has not been verified, but I think it's fair to assume he's loitering outside the washroom at the Cock right now.
I guess maybe Paul realized that he would never win an Oscar, and wisely foresaw that he would only continue to be cast as a supporting actor in movies about high school. For about the next 5 years, until he starts to gray, and then he would be forced to act with dogs anyway. So he decided that he would be a man and choose his fate, rather than being forced into it, goddamn it, and he would just do the damn dog movie now, by CHOICE, and Cuba Gooding Jr. had better move over and make room for another cheap hustler at the Cock.
The movie industry has been whining endlessly about the fact that nobody goes to the theater anymore, and then they put out crap like this -- $10 for this? You can get a month of Netflix for that. I swear to god, if this movie makes more than $15 in matinees, I will move to Antarctica and fraternize only with animals myself. The worst of all of this is that it makes me realize I could write 15 Oscar-winning screenplays within a few weeks if I would just turn off the television, stop being so goddamned lazy, and try. Thank you, Eight Below, for furthering my self-hatred.

Incidentally, when you google image-search "Eight Below," you also find the following:

Hanging out with these folks is an amazing drunken gang-bang compared to sitting through Eight Below

Waxing your boyfriend's back: a much better use of your time and money.


No comments: