Thursday, January 19, 2006

"I'm not sure, but it looks like her skate got caught in his lederhosen."

I think I have discovered my new favorite show: Skating with Celebrities, which is on Fox. Although I have to say that "celebrities" is stretching it a bit -- I'd go with "has-beens and people you've only ever vaguely heard of." I guess that's not as catchy, though.

I was skeptical about this show. First of all, it is clearly a Dancing with the Stars rip-off (though I've never seen that show) -- so much so that I keep calling it Skating with the Stars. And also it's meant to appeal to our supposed growing anticipation for the Olympics (I hate the Olympics and everything they stand for). Most importantly, Dave Coulier is on it, and it is a historical fact that everything he has ever participated in has sucked in a way that inevitably results in suicide attempts by a large percentage of viewers. If I ever see that man at a bar, which is unlikely because I am pretty sure the strongest thing he drinks is watered-down Kool-Aid, I am breaking my beer bottle, holding a shard to his neck, and maniacly screaming "NO DAVE, YOU CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then I will kill him, Olsen twins be damned. And I'm pretty sure I'll be given an award and a ticker-tape parade as a result.

But I digress. I will go back to Dave quickly: when I decided to watch this show, it was mostly because I realized that I would have a chance to watch him fall on his ass a lot, and possibly break a knee, or (God willing) even maybe take a fatal ice skate blow to the forehead. I mean, I'm not really counting on ever getting my chance with that shard of glass; most bars I frequent don't serve milk and cookies. This did not happen -- on episode 1, at least. Then I realized (and I have NO IDEA why I know any trivia concerning Dave Coulier) that he is totally into ice hockey, and has probably skated a lot. No fair! My hatred for his team was intensfied when I discovered that his partner is notorious horse-faced whiner Nancy Kerrigan -- each team is composed of a "celebrity" and a professional ice skater, though Kerrigan is the only one I'm familiar with -- and I hate that bitch too! They performed their routine as the Blues Brothers, which I'm sure Dave thought was just H-I-Larious, but I found incredibly lame. Boop! to them.

Enough Dave. I'm totally into Debbie Gibson, who continues to try and remake herself as a sultry yet wholesome adult performer (haha), but she was pretty cute, making all these sassy faces while performing to some song about kissing at breakfast. The theme was music from the movies, but they never told us the movie, so you figure that one out. I also enjoyed Kristy Swanson, who stumbled a bit and almost fell a couple of times, going for the sympathy vote. She's cute, though, and I certainly can't ice skate, so I'm into it. Todd Bridges was the other star who still seemed uneasy on his skates, but he and his partner did their little ice dance to "Wild Wild West" and it was pretty entertaining, especially since she openly admitted that she had no rhythm, while it was obviously the only thing he had going for him. He lost major points, however, when he responded to one of the judge's remarks with "Whatchu talkin' bout?", and I realized that the line was not even HIS old catch phrase, but Arnold's, and I felt really sad. The other "celebrities" were that "Good Day LA" and NFL Sunday chick Jillian Barberie, and some guy who won medals in the 1976 Olympics. They were both pretty boring, though somehow Jillian and her man wound up on top. I fear for Kristy, who's in last place. I wish we could vote for her!

They round it out with 3 judges -- some old English guy who everyone boos, based on the fact that he is a British judge, Dorothy Hamill, who apparantly has an Emmy (for what?!), and some cross-eyes gay ice skating magazine guy. The incredibly boring and egg-headed Scott Hamilton hosts it (I think he has a pact with God that no ice skating event will ever be held without him), and Summer Sanders is his co-host. Which confuses me, because I believe she is a swimmer. I am pretty sure she was silently protesting frozen water, as that would explain her poor choice of open-toed sandals at an ice rink. Does anyone remember that stupid Nickelodeon game show she hosted? God, it was dumb. I love Olympic athletes; their careers peak at like 20, and they spend the rest of their lives whoring themselves in vain, because we don't care.

So, watch this show. And I deny, in advance, any allegations that this post may be an indication that I have to much time on my hands, and should be more actively seeking a job.

Oh, and check out Dave Coulier's lame website. It totally has an explanation of how he may or may not be the subject of Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know." What a loser.

UPDATE: Oh my god NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! It used to have that explanation last year (Boulos and I were checking out his website for some reason, and yes, I am well aware that this post now makes me come off as some kind of crazed Dave Coulier fanatic). Clearly he cleaned up the site in anticipation of all the fame and glory "Skating with Celebrities" would bring him. Shit. Well, it is impossible to capture how retarded his answer to that "FAQ" was, but I do recall that it was something like 2 long paragraphs of crap that indicated it could very well have been him (thus affirming that at some point, someone actually went down on Dave Coulier, ewwwwwww), but he wasn't sure. I take this "maybe" as an indication that Alanis Morrisette has an active restraining order on him.


Portrait of a Douchebag:


Amanda & Boulos said...


Kristy said...

dudes, this is G-R-E-A-T great! I was so totally annoyed by stupid Todd Bridges snaking someone else's catch phrase as well...whatever...keep it up ya'll, I need things to read on Sunday afternoons :)

Tania said...

like, what DO the Olympics stand for? You hate everything they stand for? What, like, athletics and other countries? You a xenophobic nerd douche. Ah ha.