I watch a lot of TV.
Let me get more specific: I watch a lot of TV, and a good deal of it is BAD TV. Luckily for you, I also have ti-faux. Thus, when I am watching my crappy television shows, I can pause, rewind, and scribble down some of wonderful things one hears while watching bad nighttime soap operas and reality tv. In fact, I have a couple of amazing quotes to share right now.
The first comes from Beverly Hills, 90210. Donna Martin, of course (who else can say such ridiculously naïve things in such an earnest way?). Picture this: Donna Martin has recently lost the Rose Queen title to some black chick. They are suddenly really good friends, and Donna has to cover for her at this neighborhood convenience store – and by “neighborhood” we of course mean “ghetto.” Her boyfriend (who is subtly portrayed as a bit of a closet racist) picks her up and they run out of gas (?!?!?!Who runs out of gas in a city?!?!?!) and they are very nearly almost messed with but this kid that Donna befriended at the ghettostore saves them. They go to his apartment and realize that his mother leaves him alone with the other two kids most of the day. Boo hoo, this breaks Donna Martin’s heart. Coincidentally, her sorority is holding a casino fundraiser for children at the Peach Pit After Dark (I feel ridiculous even writing these things, who wrote this show??) Brandon is losing his shit at the tables, and the Rose Queen is standing by – um didn’t she have Rose duties? Why was Donna covering for her in the first place? Donna eventually meets her there and reveals that she would like to help the kid out in some way. Her friend gets really defensive, presumably because Donna met him in her ghettoville. And Donna, that saucy little saint, says (in reference to the Rose Court or whatever they call it):
“I mean, what is the theme we’ve been talking about since day one? Kids, laughter and dreams.”
What, no rainbows, unicorns and puppies? Wtf? Why not Lisa Frank-ify it a little further? Why not make it a little more abstract and meaningless? Btw, this is not a one-time thing – a few episodes later, when they bring Christmas gifts to children, Donna mentions the kids, laughter and dreams again. And I peed my couch, again.
Our second excellent quote comes from Extreme Makeover. I realize this show is very 2002 or so, but the Style network was on and I was not paying attention. Then I was totally sucked in. Because as it happens, two people undergoing makeovers for the show FELL IN LOVE!!!!!!! Can you believe it? Two self-loathing misfits met during their series of plastic surgeries and discovered they were soulmates! FYI, watching their first kiss – both of their noses and her chin all bandaged up for the occasion – was utterly disgusting. And the sounds they made indicated he had, at the age of 22 or so, NEVER kissed a girl before (she was married previously so we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt).
So, we get to the end of the show. It should be noted that the guy was not UGLY. He looked like one of the quiet nerdy types from high school, yes, but like the quiet nerd you just might date (of course, I have very low standards). Apparently he had been beat up and they also removed scars that made him cry sometimes? Um I’m not very clear on this, as I was doing dishes and general housework during the majority of this episode. Anyway, after the exxxxxxxxxxtreme makeover, he looked like Clay Aiken. This, to me, was not at all an improvement. In fact, he looked worse than Clay because it was obvious that he had undergone plastic surgery. I don’t know why they decided he needed to look like an effeminate male lesbian (aka Gayken), but they did.
Anyway, the Xtreme makeover people convince us that they are in love, he attends her big premiere as a busty not-quite-as-big-nosed babe, and they fall into one another’s arms. Yes folks, this relationship will last all of 5 seconds once they turn off the cameras. Or who knows, maybe someone who goes on xtreme makeover is – duh – destined to find their soulmate only in another xxxxxxxxxxtreme makeover participant. Regardless, the narrator’s last line was sooo condescending and awful and heartbreaking, yet hilarious, I had to share:
“James and Kasey: From lonely and homely, to lovely and loved.”
And around the country, a new generation of pre-anorexic, future self-mutilating, plastic surgery addicts-to-be shed little tears of joy (from the wonky mis-shaped eye, not the good one).