Saturday, April 24, 2010

Girls Girls Girls

Dear Kelis,
My milkshake brings all the... girls to the yard. I prefer boys. Can you help me with this? I understand that you have to charge, and I'm willing to compensate appropriately.
Love, Amanda

It's not that I never attract boys. I do okay with this. My favorite of the dudes I have attracted recently is the one who kept telling me, "Girrrrl, you're dangerous." Haha. If I were a mature woman of nearly 30, this wouldn't appeal to me, but I'm not and it does. In fact, I'd had a bit to drink and after knowing him for about ten minutes, I was like, "Damn. I am dangerous." And for the rest of the night I felt like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, but with panties.

However, ladies hit on me. Like, a lot. Moreso than I'd expect the average girl gets. It's piqued my interest.

One possible reason is that I stay out late, go to bars that cater to staying out late and to acting a fool/acting a bisexual. Are those the same thing? I think not, but perhaps ladies being into ladies is, for certain ladies, a late-night/crazy type thing. I don't really know.

Another thing is that this happens frequently when I'm out with my male friends. I do not have a lot of (straight) guy friends. Mostly, if you are male and heterosexual and I like you, I am not thinking of you in a "friendly" way. But sometimes, I get to that point with dudes, that point where we can hang out and be platonic.

The other night I was out with my friend Roy. Dana was talking to him when I returned from the bathroom, and I assumed she was hitting on him. Blah blah, I was looking the other way to allow him room to, you know, get her. I'm an excellent wingwoman. Or so I like to think.

Then she's introduced to me and, by no prompting of my own, it's all about me. How my hair matches my dress; did I plan that? No I did not, because my hair is red and my dress is a raspberry pinkish-purplish color. Maybe she's color blind? Then Dana told us about belly dancing and made us both feel her belly as she rolled it, telling us about her muscle control. And staring at me most of the time. And I knew it'd happened again: a chick was totally into me. Roy briefly tried to accuse me of cockblockery, but agreed that my only weapons in this regard had been my existence and my ability to listen.

I'd like to say this was an anomaly, but it wasn't. Chicks dig me, man. One other time, Roy and I were out with Ryan, another friend. This chick sat down with us and Ryan was really into her. She had giant boobs. At first I hated her (due entirely to jealousy; she was thin with giant tits and I am not-so-thin with middling tits), but all of a sudden she's talking about how much she loves me. "Blah blah, I love this girl! Blah blah blah, I really love Amanda!" God, I wish I were a lesbian. I do NOT hear this shit from men.

Let's be honest. There is probably an explanation for these particular chicks. The first option I have is that they liked the guys I was with and did not entirely understand my relationship to them. Thus, they needed to make nice while sleuthing, and attempted to in a very ridiculously overt way.

The other option, obviously, is that they were fishing for a threesome. I'd imagine that if you, a single lady, approach a heterosexual couple (assuming these ladies mistook me for half a couple in these scenarios), the woman is the one you have to convince. I mean, the popular conception of heterosexuality tells us that a woman loves attention and a man loves a chase.

However, I've been hit on by ladies a fair amount otherwise. Perhaps I'm just that awesome and sexy and blah blah blah. Or maybe they can just tell that people in high school suspected I was a lesbian because I attended Lillith Fair and listened to Tori Amos and foolishly bought a pair of gym shoes with a rainbow on them. These things + small Lutheran school = total lesbo.

Below, you will find the creepiest lesbian photo a quick google search could supply.


Dfo said...

Thank you for making my otherwise depressing night great. I laughed lots until the Lillith Fair Tori Amos rainbow shoes which point I smiled, nodded and told myself "I guess I'm NOT alone in my lesbo-esque wonderland"

Boulos said...

Haha, the fact that you have a wife probably doesn't help either. For real though, your threesome idea is probably not far off. You don't seem lesbionic to me... random. I guess you're just too hot for your own good.