Thursday, February 09, 2006

Top Secret Vaginal Work

So I got a job, of sorts. It's actually a temp job that a 5-year-old could do, but whatever. I signed a confidentiality agreement, which makes it sound much more exciting than it really is; however I am still not going to name the place in order to keep you squirming in your seats (and, I really don't need any more internet and email related grief on the job).

I hadn't been in an office for 3 months, and I spent most of that time drinking away my memories of "work," so my first day on the job was full of fun discoveries:

  • I realized (again) how accurate Office Space is, and how that kind of makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a letter-opener. I especially hate middle-aged men who try to mask their pain/soullessness by laughing WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too loudly at bad work-related jokes
  • Brother P-Touch label makers make pointless work fun and seemingly meaningful. I love Brother P. But I HATE the mean lady who took away the label maker when I still had a good hour or two left with the thing.
  • Dick Cheney is a robot. Someone's old cover of Weekly World News told me that, and it explained so much.
  • The following title gives me the wrong impression and makes me laugh: "Pregnancy and delivery while receiving vagus nerve stimulation for the treatment of depression." What did you think that was about?

Hells, yeah, that'll relieve your depression!

Um yeah apparently I am in 7th grade. Even I know that the word would be vagis if the article was going to be everything I wanted it to be (that is, something to make me vomit with glee). No, apparently vagus stimulation = a small pulse generator is implanted in the left thoracic area, & delivers pulses to the left vagus nerve in the neck. Kudos, men of science -- nerve well-named.

  • and this is my favorite, favorite journal of all time: The Journal of Minimally Invasive Gynecology. Ah, I can only imagine how much money this journal brings in during the holiday season, when every woman alive buys her gyno a subscription. Although I was really disappointed to see there was no Journal of Maximally Invasive Gynecology. But don't worry, I totally have an idea for that.

Max Invasion!

I really wanted a picture of fisting, but google image wasn't so good at finding that one. However, I think you get the idea. That second doctor looks so creepy. He's definitely going to subtly take off the glove during the exam a la The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

Also I just found this via You Can't Make It Up. Holy fucking shit, I love it. One odd thing about it is, it made me realize that I have never seen an episode of Perfect Strangers. I know this because I was surprised to learn that the show was set in Chicago (my hometown), and the opening credits make that so abundantly clear.

Oh, and if anyone is looking to get me something for valentines day, let me give you a hint:

Although the utensils seem a little unnecessary since I will just be pouring it over ice/eventually chugging straight from the bottle. Or, you know, you could get me a really great image of fisting for the cover of the first issue of Max Invasion. Which will actually be some kind of pulp serial about a dirty gyno named Max.



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