Thursday, June 10, 2010

I Heart Gossip Girl

I seriously love this show. Schemes and hot dudes, what more do I want in life? I just watched the second-to-last episode of the season and here are the things I think need to happen on the season finale (which happened over two weeks ago; I'm behind) and into next season:

Serena needs to continue wearing tight mini-dresses

I love Serena. She is the best chick on the show. She also has a really hot figure, all hips and ass and tits. They are constantly putting her in ridiculous mini dresses that are way inappropriate for the occasion, but I like it. These need to continue, if only as an ode to Blake Lively's older sister, Robyn Lively, queen of late '80s B movies and early '90s failed television dramas.

Serena and Dan need to have a troubled relationship for the entire next season

Let's face it, Vanessa sucks. She's going to Haiti. This episode had this whole Serena/Dan unexpected thing at the end. WE NEED THIS REVISITED. Firstly, they are step-siblings and that is a hot situation. Secondly, Dan is only hot when he's with Serena. He briefly attempted this macho Ernest Hemingway bullshit and that was unappealing because he has way too many feelings and is essentially a PMS-ridden chick at heart. Serena, however, is fickle and kind of slutty due to daddy issues (aren't we all?). So when they're together, she's the dude and he's the lady, and I cannot express how much I love that dynamic. Plus, he's totally beneath her on paper and that is so true life.

Serena tells Dan his business, as usual

Jenny and Nate need to bang a lot

This is the only way I'll like Jenny Humphrey, who so far this season has proven to be an ungrateful, obnoxious little bitch with possibly the worst extensions since Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. They tried to redeem her character this episode by totally re-writing her, and I'm not buying it. However, Nate is boring but handsome (and also full of comic relief, like when he catches on to schemes 2 to 3 episodes after even Dan fucking Humphrey has caught on, and pats himself on the back for slow detective work). He needs something to do, and that is not Serena (his current but soon to be ex-girlfriend -- keep up here), because she's better than that and they are ridiculously snooze-worthy together. They were hot when they banged at that wedding because he was dating Blair. They are not hot, not at all, any longer. Nate needs someone new to bone, Jenny needs to accomplish something good. Two birds, one bang.

Chuck and Blair need to not get back together until at least mid-season next year

Remember, I haven't seen the final episode yet. I'm figuring they will actually Affair-To-Remember this couple and have someone injure themselves en route to the totally ridiculous Empire State Building meet-up Chuck proposed. Or something like that. The point is, Chuck and Blair both need space to separately fuck with other people's lives. Particularly Chuck. I don't know how in the holy hell this dude has gone from date rapist (ep. 1 of the series) to nearly respectable guy in love, but holy shit, writers, you really worked a miracle there, huh? Guess it's easy enough when you play the "my mother died in childbirth; j/k she's back from the dead to completely swindle me with my douchebag paternal uncle" card (a popular one, that). But he needs to be evil again for awhile. This show crashes when he's a touching little sweetheart for too long.

That said, I want more Lily/Chuck touch my cold black heart action

I really like Lily. In fact, the Van der Woodsens (or whatever the fuck this lady's name is after 5 or so marriages) are the only people I really care about here. And when she manages to convince this total degenerate to be good for a milisecond, it really melts my icy heart. This only needs to happen about twice a season, though.

Most importantly, Eric Van der Woodsen needs to become a righteous schemer again

Remember when Eric briefly became interesting because he schemed against Jenny Humphrey when she first turned into a total, horrible, irredeemable bitch from hell? This was before the bad extensions, I think, and coincidentally, right around the time he finally got rid of that awful blond dye job. Anyway, he was interesting rather than just being the token gay. Let's not do gays an injustice by pretending they can only be upstanding members of society. Let them scheme like everyone else! It's only fair.

Kill Vanessa under a landslide of rubble in Haiti

Seriously. She's going to Haiti. Is there any other reason to send her there than to kill off this killjoy? My god, she's boring.

Give Rufus back his balls

Every time I see him wearing a sweater over a button-down and taking care of UES teenage business, my soul feels sad. He's an ARTIST. A popular grunge musician, allegedly. My god, Lily, give him back his testes.

I think there was more, but I drank some cherry wine, became briefly impassioned about this, and now I've kind of lost interest.

xoxo, Amanda

1 comment:

Lillie McSmith said...

This is kind of how I used to feel about Ugly Betty (especially the Mark/Amanda interactions, and Wilhelmina/Claire fued) but then it got all mushy and bad! Maybe I need to switch allegiances to the CW...