Mother's Day Update

You know how I mentioned that, on Mother's Day, my whole family made fun of me for folding my underwear? Here's a cute little follow-up.

On Sunday, we went to my parents' house. We do this most Sundays and we call it "Family Day" and we watch America's Funniest Videos and basically make you vomit with our ability to act like Leave it to Beaver, except if you know anything else about my family, you know we are no fucking Cleavers (what a fucked up last name! God that makes me laugh, and think of murder). I'll get into that another time, though. Suffice it to say our family gatherings are characterized by too many sex jokes, and sometimes too much substance abuse, for '50s prime time TV.

So back to Sunday. My dad grilled burgers and my mom bought cupcakes; how cute is that? My grandmother came over and we watched the Blackhawks game (um, they did. I did a crossword puzzle). Lest you find this too sweet and/or nauseating, let me step in and spoil it by telling you that when I drove my grandma home, we passed a number of Korean businesses a few blocks from her house and she said, apropos of nothing, "Boy, the Asians sure love to gamble." (Maybe we'd just passed an OTB? I honestly don't know.)

My sister owns our place and we have a washer/dryer in-unit, but the dryer has been broken recently so we've been doing some laundry at my parents' house. She put in a load and then I put that in the dryer and put in my load, and promptly forgot about it. I wanted to leave by 8:30 so I could go running when I got home, but at about 8:15 my mom reminded me about my laundry. I swore and got crabby. She then kindly offered to fold my stuff and send it home with my sister the next day if I didn't want to stick around.

My sister brought it home and I just unpacked it, and found that my mother had folded all of my panties! Adorable. Except this: she had asked how I fold them, and I told her that I fold them in half and then in half again. She said, "Oh, well I'd probably fold them in thirds," one-upping me on something she doesn't even do. Guess how she sent them back?

Of course, all arguments can be settled via the internet. According to this Youtube video, she's right. Or at least closer to right.

JIZUM UPDATE

Here are a few details my sister left our during the gchat:

• The boy in question looked about 12 and was wearing a batman costume. I will need to speak with my mother about the extent to which this was a full-on costume; all I can verify is that it definitely involved some kind of headgear resembling the ears of the batman mask.
• The girl was Asian (I do not know why this is relevant) and looked significantly older than the boy.

It just gets better and better, huh?

Gchats about my mom

Here is an interesting gchat between my sister and myself. It is in regards to a phone call my sister received from my mom at work. Note: my mother is inappropriate and works at Starbucks.


Sis: mom also told me about two young kids at her starbucks...
blah, blah, blah...
but basically, she went to use the bathroom and they were both in there
so when they came out she went in and then tells me
"Oh gosh and can you believe it!?! There was gizum on the floor!"
and I said, what?
and she goes, "gizum, you know like cum"

Amanda: WHAT????????
wtf
I thought she was saying gum
JIZ?

Sis: oh yeah

Amanda: is that what she was trying to say?

Sis: yeah, yeah but she calls it jizum

Amanda: omg you HAVE TO TELL THIS TO ME IN PERSON TONIGHT
bc I need you to imitate mom
hahahaha

Sis: is that an actual word?

Amanda: I think it is
but not one to be used

Sis: I am crying at my desk right now just thinking of it

Amanda: I mean, plus... she's MOM, could she just say semen please?
is that too much to ask?
If I have kids I am not going to dirty-talk them

Sis: ill, sick and she wiped it up
!

Amanda: especially when they are at work!
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
omg I’m laughing
and crying

Sis: she was like. "I knew it was jizum because I could tell by the consistency"
how sick!!

Amanda: oh I may have to send this entire convo to boulos
OMG MOM STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sis: please do

Amanda: jizum, haha

Sis: and then when I was like, "oh sick. oh my God" more so referring to mom's story... her response? "I know, can you believe it?! In my Starbucks? I mean someone was getting a hand job or a blow job. In my Starbucks. I don't know if she just spit it on the floor..."
I suppose she was referring to the lump of "jizum" she wiped up

Amanda: ew
haha
omg mom