Old Time Rock n' Roll?

This is me:

This is me according to the AARP:

Ok... someone has got to help me out. For the past year or so, the AARP has been sending me mail at my parents house. My Dad and I shared initials, so I thought perhaps it was a mixup or something, and I never thought much of it until this weekend. All of a sudden they have tracked me down here in NYC! Now, I'm scared! As much as I'd like to retire after 3 years in the professional world... I am only 25! I CANNOT JOIN THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF RETIRED PERSONS, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

I have a good 40 years before I can taste the sweet nectar of early bird specials and hotel discounts! I do not want their geriatric jibber-jabber clogging my mailbox, wtf? Is their a name twin of mine missing out on elderly excellence? Is there some retiree getting free samples of young, hip products meant for me? WHAT IS WRONG HERE? Did I buy some sort of product for oldies that has gotten me on a list? Last time I checked I do not have a constant supply of orthopedic shoes and Ben Gay... so AARP, if you're listening, please leave me alone! Perhaps my move in 3 weeks will help me shake them for good, if not, I guess that soon I'll be hearing that feeble knock at my door once again.

Bleak, and Kinda Slutty

I copied one of these memes things from someone's blog (found here). You put your mp3 player on shuffle and it answers some very deep questions. It seems the main question it answers, with a resounding YES, is "is Amanda's mp3 player filled with crappy music?"

How does the world see you?
"I'm Gonna be (500 Miles)" by The Proclaimers. this tells us... I am committed? Possibly deluded? Or maybe the damn thing took this literally, and it's the glasses.

What Can I say, I'm a hottie.

Will I have a happy life?

"Molly" by Sponge. Apparently more like a life filled with teen angst.

What do my friends really think of me?

"You were always the One" by the Cribs. Well that's sweet.

Do people secretly lust after me?

"Jackie Blue" by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils. Not really sure about this but I'm pretty sure Jackie is a little slutty.

How can I make myself happy?

"You Might Think" by the Cars. Given that the lyrics to this song don't seem to be offering many clues, and I know the Cars are going on tour soon, I think I'm becoming a groupie.

Not that kind of car, morons.

What should I do with my life?

"Missing" by Everything but the Girl. Obsess over a lost love, and wander around his old haunts. Sweet.

Will I ever have children?

"Let Go" by Frou Frou. And give them up?

What is some good advice for me?

"Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division. I definitely foresaw this song appearing somewhere. Haha.

How will I be remembered?

"Mushaboom" by Feist. This is getting kinda boring.

What is my signature dancing song?

"What Katie Did" by the Libertines. Apparently I enjoy looking like an asshole.

What do I think my current theme song is?

"Too Close" by Next. I think I may have accidentally hit the "popular songs of the 90s button." In any case, this is awesome. Step back, you're dancing too close! I feel a little poke coming through...

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?

"Say Hello to the Angels" by Interpol. Well, this is one of my favorite songs, and the part about red hair is spot on. Yet it sounds like I'm about to be whacked.

What song will play at my funeral?

"Stellar" by Incubus. That is a nice gesture, but seriously guys, play something else.

What type of men do you like?

"Easy Like Sunday Morning" by Lionel Ritchie . All joking aside, this particular one is eerie.

What is my day going to be like?

"Band of Gold" by Freda Payne. Um... I'm gonna get married and then sleep in a seperate bedroom from my husband, without consummating the marriage? Wow I've got a big day ahead of me. And a certain amount of disappointment.

Oh gee, I opened my dayplanner to today's date, and look what I found!

Amanda

Scenes from a cube

So the most excellent conversation occurred near my cubicle. Characters are Semi Mullet (SM), Chick (C), and Guy (G). Normally I hate SM but seriously does no one else know what Christopher Cross is? Arthur's Theme? Sailing? 'N Sync did a tribute to him once, which involved sailing over the audience! (Why do I know this??)

Couldn't find them Sailing over the audience;

went for their pictoral tribute to homosexuality instead.

SM: Hey do you remember that Christopher Cross song... what was it, um, I Think of Laura [ed. note: um it was something about Laura]

G: Kriss Kross?

SM: Um, no, not Kriss Kross. Not "Jump Jump"

(general muttering about kriss kross and lyrics of "jump jump")

C: you know, you never hear what they're doing now onVH1. You know, those "where are they now" shows?

G: That's because they're probably in the garbage.

C: yeah

SM: But you know that was a good song, in it's day.

Trendsetters one day, Hobos the next

~Amanda

Top Secret Vaginal Work

So I got a job, of sorts. It's actually a temp job that a 5-year-old could do, but whatever. I signed a confidentiality agreement, which makes it sound much more exciting than it really is; however I am still not going to name the place in order to keep you squirming in your seats (and, I really don't need any more internet and email related grief on the job).

I hadn't been in an office for 3 months, and I spent most of that time drinking away my memories of "work," so my first day on the job was full of fun discoveries:

• I realized (again) how accurate Office Space is, and how that kind of makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a letter-opener. I especially hate middle-aged men who try to mask their pain/soullessness by laughing WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too loudly at bad work-related jokes
• Brother P-Touch label makers make pointless work fun and seemingly meaningful. I love Brother P. But I HATE the mean lady who took away the label maker when I still had a good hour or two left with the thing.
• Dick Cheney is a robot. Someone's old cover of Weekly World News told me that, and it explained so much.
• The following title gives me the wrong impression and makes me laugh: "Pregnancy and delivery while receiving vagus nerve stimulation for the treatment of depression." What did you think that was about?

Hells, yeah, that'll relieve your depression!

Um yeah apparently I am in 7th grade. Even I know that the word would be vagis if the article was going to be everything I wanted it to be (that is, something to make me vomit with glee). No, apparently vagus stimulation = a small pulse generator is implanted in the left thoracic area, & delivers pulses to the left vagus nerve in the neck. Kudos, men of science -- nerve well-named.

• and this is my favorite, favorite journal of all time: The Journal of Minimally Invasive Gynecology. Ah, I can only imagine how much money this journal brings in during the holiday season, when every woman alive buys her gyno a subscription. Although I was really disappointed to see there was no Journal of Maximally Invasive Gynecology. But don't worry, I totally have an idea for that.

Max Invasion!

I really wanted a picture of fisting, but google image wasn't so good at finding that one. However, I think you get the idea. That second doctor looks so creepy. He's definitely going to subtly take off the glove during the exam a la The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

Also I just found this via You Can't Make It Up. Holy fucking shit, I love it. One odd thing about it is, it made me realize that I have never seen an episode of Perfect Strangers. I know this because I was surprised to learn that the show was set in Chicago (my hometown), and the opening credits make that so abundantly clear.

Oh, and if anyone is looking to get me something for valentines day, let me give you a hint:

Although the utensils seem a little unnecessary since I will just be pouring it over ice/eventually chugging straight from the bottle. Or, you know, you could get me a really great image of fisting for the cover of the first issue of Max Invasion. Which will actually be some kind of pulp serial about a dirty gyno named Max.

Amanda

Hot Perks!!!!!!

One of the good things about working at a TV network where a well-known talk show is taped means... CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just saw Dylan McDermott in the lobby, and man does he look good! He could Practice on me anytime, ow!

Alright, that's enough... I will leave you with this, yum!!


~Boulos:)

APK goes gay

This link, whick Ultragrrl posted, is possibly the best thing ever. Although maybe only to people like me who are strangely obsessed with Back to the Future -- so obsessed, I've actually watched #3. Yikes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfODSPIYwpQ

Flaming!!!!!!

Oh god there ARE people dorkier than me at the Back to the Future Forum! From their website:

Welcome to the BTTF.com's Space-Time Continuum - Back to the Future™ Forums.

Hahaha, nerds! Also, look what I found on google. Pay close attention to the message on the photo:

TOOLBOX

Oh lordy. If anything gets an LOL, it is that.

Amanda

The Lion, the Witch... and the adorable little girl!!!!!

Boulos, Archana, Jesse, and I went to see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe last night. Interesting, dorky fact: the only movies Boulos and I have attended together in the past year and a half are Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (twice) and this one. She is the bigger loser, as those are the only movies, period, she has gone to see in over a year! Everyone laugh at Boulos.

All women of child-bearing age be forewarned: Going to see the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe will make your uterus cry out for babies. The little girl playing Lucy is SO DAMN cute, I almost demanded that my friend Jesse (who is a homosexual) impregnate me mid-movie. Of course, the next step in the plan would be to move to WWII era London, otherwise my child would not have that cute lispy accent, and she wouldn't be nearly as innocent, or dress so adorably (according to my friend Erika, they now make "slut clothes" for children. haha). Edmund, though devious, is adorable as well. I could not stay mad at that child!


The kids (ignore the two older ones): Be still my throbbing womb

Beyond the adorable children, the movie was pretty excellent. Now, I am a huge nerd. I love children's books, and as I told a friend, I became a bit emotional when the movie started because I felt like I'd been waiting my whole life for a movie version of this book. In preparation, I re-read it about a month ago. I realized that Aslan makes me kind of uncomfortable. I assume this is because the book is really good; I love Lewis's style and everything, but when it gets to Aslan, the Christian allegory aspect of the book becomes way too obvious and overwhelming. He made me uncomfortable in the movie as well. I guess I'm not ready to be face to face with Jesus just yet.

The White Witch, however, is HOT. Jesse and I were blown away by her costumes and general sex appeal. So, unsurprisingly, the devil figure appeals to me.

Who can resist Turkish delights and high fashion? Not me

Other stuff about the movie: Susan was just as much a bitch onscreen as she is in the book, so that was well-done. I enjoyed the battle scenes. There were a few incredibly cheesy moments that I did not enjoy, and I almost murdered the annoying people behind us. They were like Mystery Science Theater for idiots. Boulos, Archana and I agree: Peter is hot. We loooooove teenage movie heros. Yay pedophilia!

Amanda

Notes and other stuff.

The other night, Boulos was going through some old crap. She is in perpetual preparation for the eventual move at the end of April (I have a lot of time on my hands, but prefer to pretend it's not happening). So she found some note that I had written her senior year of college, which read as follows (well, to my memory):





Dear Boulos,
Thank you for being so boul-icious. I'll be dead soon.
Sincerly,
Tyrone Bibbins, esq.
P.s. Allyson's dad and lover is Phineas Gage

The first part of this note makes sense; it's a reference to one of our favorite Kids in the Hall sketches (though my personal favorite is "the Marriages"). But the p.s. confused us. Who is Phineas Gage? I really created a winner with this note -- you know an inside joke is great when no one involved can decipher it years later!

So today I googled ol' Phineas, and found the following on wikipedia:

Phineas P. Gage (1823 - May 21, 1860) was a railroad construction worker who suffered an unusual kind of traumatic brain injury which inflicted severe damage to parts of his frontal brain during a work accident. Gage reportedly had significant changes in personality and temperament, which provided some of the first evidence that specific parts of the brain, particularly the frontal lobes, might be involved in specific psychological processes dealing with emotion, personality and problem solving.

Ah, yes. Allyson and I had a class called Brain and Behavior that year. It should have been called: so boring, when you hear the name Phinneas you will giggle all class and Mr. Gage will become your new hero. The lecturer was so dull, this tiny bit of amusement became a running joke for awhile. Oh how I miss college (particularly horrible required science courses).

Then last night, I was looking at my brother's myspace page. He's 15 and I like to check his comments for evidence of bad behaviour (though, unfortunately, his new presence on myspace means I have to keep my profile close to squeaky clean, which is difficult for a dirty drunken slut like myself). I was reading his comments aloud to Boulos because seriously, nothing is more amusing than teenager's computer-speak. We came across the following, posted by a girl who I believe he graduated grade school with:

hey zach whats up? lol

We laughed for about 10 minutes over this. This girl is clearly VERY easily amused. Not that saying "hi" to people DOESN'T make me laugh out loud myself. But I suggest that anyone reading this find a teenager's myspace page, and after viewing all of their teenage friends' near-pornographic self-portraits and feeling dirty in a new and horrible way, view their comments. because "lol" is clearly the computer version of the word "like" within the teenage lexicon.

So boulos demanded that I post the following comment on my brother's page:

That bang was so bootleg, I had to tip out. You'd better slow your roll, lol!

This was especially amusing to us because, left to my own devices, lol was the only word here that I understood. We got the first line from a commercial that pokes fun at teens' slang (and thus we have no idea if it is authentic), and when my sister told me to "slow my roll" over christmas, I said, "you can't just make things up!" She then explained to me that it was a slang term for "calm down" that I was a few years behind on. Sigh. Yes, I am officially old.

Also, I found this today on Brooklyn Vegan:

"On the first Friday of every month, Flavorpill teams up with the Guggenheim to create a dance party under the rotunda."
Next EventsMarch 3 (9pm-1am) - Carlos D. & VHS OR BETA (DJ)April 7 (9pm-1am) - Beans
Guggenheim Museum (1071 Fifth Ave @ 89th St) $20 (free for members)

$20 is a lot, but I just might pay it. I loooooooove Interpol (Carlos D), and a chance to dance at the Guggenheim is pretty enticing.

Amanda

FYI: a google image search of Kids in the Hall results in.... actual kids in a hall. Could google get more literal??

Last-Ditch Effort

Oh Jesus. Have you heard about this? Is Paul Walker for real, or is this the basis of some elaborate 90 minute episode of Punk'd? Maybe we should remind him of Cuba Gooding Junior, and how the first thing he did after winning an Oscar was that movie with a bunch of huskies, and now it's all Boat Trip and $10 blowjobs in sleazy gay bars for him. Well, the last part has not been verified, but I think it's fair to assume he's loitering outside the washroom at the Cock right now.
I guess maybe Paul realized that he would never win an Oscar, and wisely foresaw that he would only continue to be cast as a supporting actor in movies about high school. For about the next 5 years, until he starts to gray, and then he would be forced to act with dogs anyway. So he decided that he would be a man and choose his fate, rather than being forced into it, goddamn it, and he would just do the damn dog movie now, by CHOICE, and Cuba Gooding Jr. had better move over and make room for another cheap hustler at the Cock.
The movie industry has been whining endlessly about the fact that nobody goes to the theater anymore, and then they put out crap like this -- $10 for this? You can get a month of Netflix for that. I swear to god, if this movie makes more than $15 in matinees, I will move to Antarctica and fraternize only with animals myself. The worst of all of this is that it makes me realize I could write 15 Oscar-winning screenplays within a few weeks if I would just turn off the television, stop being so goddamned lazy, and try. Thank you, Eight Below, for furthering my self-hatred.

Incidentally, when you google image-search "Eight Below," you also find the following:

Hanging out with these folks is an amazing drunken gang-bang compared to sitting through Eight Below

Waxing your boyfriend's back: a much better use of your time and money.

Amanda

"I'm not sure, but it looks like her skate got caught in his lederhosen."

I think I have discovered my new favorite show: Skating with Celebrities, which is on Fox. Although I have to say that "celebrities" is stretching it a bit -- I'd go with "has-beens and people you've only ever vaguely heard of." I guess that's not as catchy, though.

I was skeptical about this show. First of all, it is clearly a Dancing with the Stars rip-off (though I've never seen that show) -- so much so that I keep calling it Skating with the Stars. And also it's meant to appeal to our supposed growing anticipation for the Olympics (I hate the Olympics and everything they stand for). Most importantly, Dave Coulier is on it, and it is a historical fact that everything he has ever participated in has sucked in a way that inevitably results in suicide attempts by a large percentage of viewers. If I ever see that man at a bar, which is unlikely because I am pretty sure the strongest thing he drinks is watered-down Kool-Aid, I am breaking my beer bottle, holding a shard to his neck, and maniacly screaming "NO DAVE, YOU CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then I will kill him, Olsen twins be damned. And I'm pretty sure I'll be given an award and a ticker-tape parade as a result.

But I digress. I will go back to Dave quickly: when I decided to watch this show, it was mostly because I realized that I would have a chance to watch him fall on his ass a lot, and possibly break a knee, or (God willing) even maybe take a fatal ice skate blow to the forehead. I mean, I'm not really counting on ever getting my chance with that shard of glass; most bars I frequent don't serve milk and cookies. This did not happen -- on episode 1, at least. Then I realized (and I have NO IDEA why I know any trivia concerning Dave Coulier) that he is totally into ice hockey, and has probably skated a lot. No fair! My hatred for his team was intensfied when I discovered that his partner is notorious horse-faced whiner Nancy Kerrigan -- each team is composed of a "celebrity" and a professional ice skater, though Kerrigan is the only one I'm familiar with -- and I hate that bitch too! They performed their routine as the Blues Brothers, which I'm sure Dave thought was just H-I-Larious, but I found incredibly lame. Boop! to them.

Enough Dave. I'm totally into Debbie Gibson, who continues to try and remake herself as a sultry yet wholesome adult performer (haha), but she was pretty cute, making all these sassy faces while performing to some song about kissing at breakfast. The theme was music from the movies, but they never told us the movie, so you figure that one out. I also enjoyed Kristy Swanson, who stumbled a bit and almost fell a couple of times, going for the sympathy vote. She's cute, though, and I certainly can't ice skate, so I'm into it. Todd Bridges was the other star who still seemed uneasy on his skates, but he and his partner did their little ice dance to "Wild Wild West" and it was pretty entertaining, especially since she openly admitted that she had no rhythm, while it was obviously the only thing he had going for him. He lost major points, however, when he responded to one of the judge's remarks with "Whatchu talkin' bout?", and I realized that the line was not even HIS old catch phrase, but Arnold's, and I felt really sad. The other "celebrities" were that "Good Day LA" and NFL Sunday chick Jillian Barberie, and some guy who won medals in the 1976 Olympics. They were both pretty boring, though somehow Jillian and her man wound up on top. I fear for Kristy, who's in last place. I wish we could vote for her!

They round it out with 3 judges -- some old English guy who everyone boos, based on the fact that he is a British judge, Dorothy Hamill, who apparantly has an Emmy (for what?!), and some cross-eyes gay ice skating magazine guy. The incredibly boring and egg-headed Scott Hamilton hosts it (I think he has a pact with God that no ice skating event will ever be held without him), and Summer Sanders is his co-host. Which confuses me, because I believe she is a swimmer. I am pretty sure she was silently protesting frozen water, as that would explain her poor choice of open-toed sandals at an ice rink. Does anyone remember that stupid Nickelodeon game show she hosted? God, it was dumb. I love Olympic athletes; their careers peak at like 20, and they spend the rest of their lives whoring themselves in vain, because we don't care.

So, watch this show. And I deny, in advance, any allegations that this post may be an indication that I have to much time on my hands, and should be more actively seeking a job.

Oh, and check out Dave Coulier's lame website. It totally has an explanation of how he may or may not be the subject of Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know." What a loser.

UPDATE: Oh my god NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! It used to have that explanation last year (Boulos and I were checking out his website for some reason, and yes, I am well aware that this post now makes me come off as some kind of crazed Dave Coulier fanatic). Clearly he cleaned up the site in anticipation of all the fame and glory "Skating with Celebrities" would bring him. Shit. Well, it is impossible to capture how retarded his answer to that "FAQ" was, but I do recall that it was something like 2 long paragraphs of crap that indicated it could very well have been him (thus affirming that at some point, someone actually went down on Dave Coulier, ewwwwwww), but he wasn't sure. I take this "maybe" as an indication that Alanis Morrisette has an active restraining order on him.

Amanda



Portrait of a Douchebag:

Picture Attempt!

Christmas @ The Boulos house in Jerz... how pretty is that? Just as good as any postcard you've seen!

Look at the table, so pretty! I know, kinda boring, but this is what you take pictures of, when you get a camera on Christmas morning...

Andy did quite a number deep frying the turkey on our front porch!


Here is a picture from the Boulos house at Christmas. My mom did a wonderful job hosting, and decorating (I helped w/the tree).

Alright, so pictures seem to post from the bottom up on this, so it's kind of out of order, but you get the idea. Expect more in the near future, but right now, I am so sleepy, I gotta stop! My belated birthday party is this weekend, which is quite exciting. Please look forward to more pics soon, esp. from the party! Don't worry, Amanda and I have vowed that 2006 is going to kick 2005's ass, so you will be seeing much more debauchery soon!

Lates!

~B

Brief Update

So I am still in Chicago, extended vacation. It's dial-up here so I have been avoiding the internet somewhat, as it is just frustrating and slow. This past weekend I had a new year's eve wedding (my aunt's), which was fun, and then my grandma's funeral the next day. I feel like I left new york 3 years ago or something. Will update with more details, and pics, when I get back to the modern world and cable modem. In the meantime, imagine this -- I'm in Milwaukee last night with my 15-year-old brother and 16-year-old cousin, and we are trying to find something to watch on my grandma's 8-channel old school television at 1:30 am. 4 channels are showing the SAME Investool infommercial. One is showing a temper-pedic bed infommercial. The Public TV station has some old guy talking on and on about god knows what, and ABC has the news on for some reason. So we were forced to watch an educational documentary called Magnificient Colorado, which was from roughly 1965. Fun, but not as fun as the time my brother and I were forced to attempt to learn french on public tv at about 3 am.

Amanda

Stay Tuned...

I got a sweet new digital camera for x-mas, so now please expect pics from both Amanda and myself. My first collection will be a Christmas spectacular, starring a deep fried turkey, try not to pee yourself while trembling with anticipation.
That's all for now.
~Boulos

Time To Stop Making The Donuts!

Ok, I thought that the Dunkin Donuts guy died like 10 years ago, (much like how the wife thought Robert Palmer died roughly 5 years before he did) but apparently he passed away this weekend, of complications from Diabetes. I'm sure that Dunkin Donuts isn't too happy that his cause of death was a disease so closely related to sugar.... ooops. Well, RIP Michael Vale, AKA "Fred the Baker", it was a sweet ride...

strike update: Roger Clark clearly cannot get to work!

One of my 2 favorite NY1 anchors, Roger Clark (Pat is the third in my dream NY1 menage e trois, which I just spelled wrong) clearly cannot make it to work. Or, the cameramen cannot get to him in Queens. He is currently reporting by phone and they chose the worst still shot of him EVER to put on the television. I think I can hear NY1 interns laughing in the background. They probably had a competition on who could find his worst moment; he looks like he has marbles in his mouth. Oh, Roger!!!!! Such fallout from the strike so soon. It's sad.

Amanda

Omg, Strike? WTF!!!

Hahaha. I laugh in the face of MTA workers and their "strike," which means nothing to me because I am still unemployed, and all things that I require are available within walking distance. And, my metro card is pay per ride and not unlimited. HA!

Of course, really I should cry. I think the ultimate proof that my life has become pretty much void of meaning is here – I am sitting in front of NY1 at 3:30 am, waiting with bated breath for more news on the strike that doesn’t affect me at all, and drinking whiskey. The wife called me on Thursday (we’ve been undergoing a short trial separation but she returns home tomorrow) and asked, "what are you going to do if they strike?" Then we both laughed at the absurdity of that question. Me? I’ll sit home and email some resumes, watch a movie, get drunk and light things on fire to see what they smell like when burning. So I asked, um, what will YOU do? You have an actual job. In fact I asked this of a few people. Most people said, I don’t know. So the little bit of actual human interaction I have been experiencing lately = pointless conversation.

In an attempt to summarize my weekend, I’ll say: concentrated almost wholey on making sweet playlists, oh and also got way too drunk and made bad decisions. I woke up on Sunday, couldn’t remember half of Saturday night, took one look at the bottle of whiskey and knew why. Yes, MY bottle of whiskey – I settled on "alcoholic hermit" Saturday night after being a public idiot on Friday. I went Christmas shopping tonight – it was exciting because I haven’t ventured off my block since Friday, really – and, like the holiday asshole I am, I spent more money on myself than I did on others. I am really good at being on unemployment, and at self-control in general. But hey, I’m listening to the Stellastar album, one of my gifts to myself, and it’s pretty good.

Anyway, Happy Holidays, everyone! Merry Christmas specifically, as that is the holiday I personally celebrate. I can’t wait to go back to Chicago on Friday. I am looking forward to a much-needed interruption to my alcoholic, nocturnal, hermit-like ways as of late.

Amanda

A Pause

As you may have noticed, we have not been posting for a couple weeks. As anyone who reads this blog probably already knows, Boulos's father passed away a little over a week ago. He was a really cool guy and we miss him a lot.

Just wanted to take some time to acknowledge this before returning to our regular posts of drunken antics and whatnot. Will have stories to share very very soon.

Amanda

And you said... TURKEY!!!!

Alright... it is about time for the Thanksgiving roundup, Jersey style. It all started with the grand tradidion of BIG WEDNESDAY, a sort of homecoming of sorts that takes place on Thanksgiving Eve. The Jerz peeps and I set out to the lovely Sun Tavern, in Scotch Plains, NJ to imbibe some alcohol and run into roughly half of my 1998 graduating class. I went out with Alice, her boyf Dave, and her friend from college, Hilary. Dave and Hilary were new to the Big Wednesday tradition, and were quite entertained by the unofficial reunion that happens there annualy. Man, the place was more packed than I'd ever seen it! We ran into Jay, who's a big fan of the blog, apparently, that bitch hadn't even told me he was coming to Jerz!! It was good to see you Jay, I hope you're proud to have made it into the blog. At one point I ran into Lindy, who'd been my next-door locker neighbor all 4 years of high school. That girl was always kind of weird, but she has COMPLETELY lost it since. I don't know WTF kind of drugs she's on, but she was fried out of her mind. I mean, she was worse than people I've seen on acid. At one point I asked her if she still had the trampoline a bunch of us bought her for her sweet 16, and her repsponse was screaming "Trampoline, Trampoline!" while jumping up and down. Ok, somehow this girl is in grad school right now, but she could not conduct herself like a sane human for five minutes, how is that possible?? Well, as I was at the mercy of Alice, my designated driver, I got home by a little after 1am, which worked out I guess, b/c I had to get up pretty early for Thanksgiving!

Thursday was the day I'd been dreading most, as the boyf was coming over to spend an entire Holiday with me and my family. It went pretty well, although his choice of stories included lots of drunken firemen times, which are always highly amusing, but seem to be an odd choice to share with my parents. They seem to like him well enough though, and overall a good time was had by all. My mom once again did a kick ass job making us an excellent turkey dinner. After the turkey naps, we had some dessert, and then it was time for Andy to hit the road, since he decided he wanted to go hunting on Fri. It was sad to see him go, but the debauchery would go on!

Now, although Wed. was "big" nothing rocked harder than my Friday night in terms of drunkeness or RANDOMNESS. Seriously. I met up with some of my old school peeps, I'd been friends with since the SEVENTH GRADE!!!!! FOURTEEN YEARS MAN!!!!! Oh man, good times were had. We started out in Cranford at the Riverside Inn, a cute lil' bar that was pretty popular. I'd never been there, but it was cool. We went there first b/c Liz was kinda sick and didn't think she'd make it out late long enough to travel to Hoboken with us. So after a drink we were picked up by Michelle & Michelle, and we were off to the home of frat boys, yuppies, and mobsters, Hoboken, NJ. We started by heading to the apt. of a whole bunch of peeps I went to high school with, but never really talked to. THery were all perfectly nice, just completely random. The apt is 2 stories and 3 people live there, 2 Lauras and this guy Jay (different Jay from Wed). One of the Laura's apparently lied and said that my friend Mari had told her Jay was looking for a place, when in actuality, she just wanted him to live there. This was quite the 3's company situation, as the whole night leading up to Laura's confession involved Mari asking everyone why Jay thinks she got him the apt. It was really odd... I digress though.
We ended up going to this bar 10th & Willow, where many drinks were drank, I danced w/Debbie, Mari, the Michelles, the Lauras, and Jay. I got mad drunk and proceeded to yell at randoms out the car window while on the way to the diner. Following the drunken nosh at UPD, best diner ever, I was dropped off at home @ 3:30am, just in time to accompany my Mom as she drove my Dad & bro to the airport. Nothing's better than being trashed and riding with your whole fam to the airport in the middle of the night, haha.

Sat was shopping w/ my Mom- she bought me fun stuff for my upcoming bday! Yay! Sun was chill, we made turkey soup, and then Andy came and picked me up to see him for a bit before it was time to return to the real world.

So, besides the fact that I woke up with a fever of 101, and basically feel like ass today here at work, I am happy to say that yet another Thanksgiving full of fun has gone by, and it really reminded me what crazy times I had with those high school girls! Those were some awesome Jersey Times, perhaps we'll have more fun times over Christmas!! Peace out, fools!
~B

Unemployment is fun... and SCARY!

Well, I'm back. It would seem that I've had all the time in the world these past couple weeks with which to update this, but sleeping late, watching tv, refusing to dress in anything more professional than a wifebeater, and... um, oh yeah, applying for unemployment while sending out resumes -- these things have really been taking up a lot of my time. As Boulos has already noted, I was unceremoniously fired from my 3-year stint at an evil reinsurance company that I will not name (except to say, you can figure it out by rearranging the letters of MTSR, LCL.). But it's not all bad news. As it turns out, unemployment is pretty generous. And I really did not want to die a claims examiner, anyway. Oh, and Ass Pirate was also fired (the alleged basis of our terminations, though I was not lucky enough to receive a personal explanation, was our emailing habits), so I have a friend with whom I can eat bonbons and watch soaps in my wifebeater. That is, if I wake up early enough to catch the soaps.

In any case, it is really much more important to go over the details of our Halloween. It seemed like Halloween should suck since it was on a Monday, but really that just meant an entire weekend of parties, followed by a Monday night out on the town. Originally I had taken a personal day on Tuesday so that I could avoid calling in sick (see: my St. Patrick's Day fiasco... hmm maybe I deserved my termination), but that was no longer really an issue.

We started off with Sarah's costume party on Friday night (the Waves). Here's a couple hot pictures from that:

I was a witch:

While Boulos was a dark angel:

Ironically, this was the first picture taken at the party, and Tania and Boulos are "pretending" to be drunk:

And eventually, the party became a drunken dance party (yes, this is what happens when a bunch of girls get drunk together -- but also notice that some of these are rack shots, since the one guy who stuck it out til the end got my camera for awhile):

And people were dancing on the table, too:

Saturday was our Halloween party, which was quiet fun and a bit wild. There was nipple-licking:

and the appearance of bare breasts (though I did not take pictures of that, as I am not this guy). I did, however, get pictures of guys staring at my breasts:

Catra was there, smoking like the slut she is:

And Brandon Flowers of the Killers made an appearance:

Well, ok, that's his doppleganger. Afterwards we headed over to Rudy's, where the wife pretended to lick me. Which may not be totally apparent in this picture, but she would kill me if I posted the one where it is more obvious.

We took Sunday night off, but Halloween was a blast. We skipped the parade and started out at a party in the east village, where we attempted dancing:

But the dj totally sucked -- he would play one song that would get the whole room on their feet, and follow it up with slow, strange nature sounds. No thanks, dude. So we left and went over to Barrow Street, which is kind of a Halloween tradition for us -- the west village is the place to go for good costumes. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to get any pictures of those. In fact, I didn't manage to get many pictures of actual Halloween. Whoops. Well, here's a crappy one of Boulos and myself, drunk at Barrow Street:

And that was Halloween. Which was followed by a relaxing week off, some drinking last weekend (despite a nasty cold that I developed), and more time off. Ass Pirate and I took advantage of the time off and went drinking Sunday night after a delicious feast at PJ and Archana's, but I find that drinking on Sunday nights is really more fun when you have to get up in the morning. Ah, well. Time for bed, as I actually have plans to do things tomorrow, things that involve getting out of bed before 3 pm. I have to fashion a robot costume for the weekly Waves party (robot theme), which I am way more excited about than I probably should be, as it represents a chance for me to leave the house and socialize with someone other than our bunny, or Boulos. YAY!

Amanda

I Fought the Law...

What up?? Many life altering changes have happened for us unicorns in the past week. Amanda has lost her job, but I will leave it to her to update all you cyber fools on that subject. Halloween came and went, and our party was fantastic. The unfortunate event of the party was my drunken stumble, which ended with me falling chin first onto bun's cage. Despite the blood, I am fine, and clearly have not learned any lessons about my relationship with alcohol... which brings me to the events of Saturday November 5, 2005.
After spending a couple of nights in Jersey, Andy & I came in for a housewarming party for a friend of Amanda's. The girl, Mary, moved only a block away from us, so it seemed like it would be a fun and convenient night. Oh no... this was not to be. Andy decided to grab a beer for the road, and none of us thought twice about it, since the block between 9th & 10th is usually pretty dead at night. When we got to the the corner Amanda, Andy & Archana ran into the deli to get more beer to bring to the party. I stayed outside, holding Andy's beer, and, well, drinking it. I was already a little drunk, so it was kind of hard to cover up the beer bottle, being that it was a Miller High Life (the champagne of beers), it was pretty big to begin with. Some guys said something to me about drinking it, and I was quite brazen I suppose, but since our final destination was across the street, it didn't at all seem like a big deal. Oh man, I was wrong. When everyone exited the deli, I was immediately stopped by 2 cops. Unfortunately for me, they were under cover, and the one directly talking to me looked like he was about 14. So, when he pulled out his badge, I looked at it, said "Happy Halloween", and kept walking, however that wasn't a good idea. To summarize the rest- I got a damn summons for having an "open container", and spent most of my morning trying to figure out where to send the $25! According to this it happens all the time, and I could EASILY fight it, since they put the wrong court date on my ticket I would win, but who wants to take a day off of work to hang out in criminal court? Um, not me, thanks. So... if this ever happens to you, go here, and you will find all the forms you need.
As for the party that night, it was cool, the best part is the wall they allowed everyone to write on. I wrote a lovely haiku about my criminal experience, but I can't really remember it. At least I didn't scratch every other word out like Amanda did, LOL. Andy fell asleep @ the party, and we left. Not the best of nights, but one that will certainly go down in my personal history! haha.
As for Halloween pics, perhaps I'll get the wife to post some this week.
Until then, stay outta jail!
~Your fave jail bird

Someone could use a field trip...

Last night, the wife & I took a little walk down to Gristedes to buy some pumpkins to carve for our party. They turned out AWESOME, as you will see in Halloween pics to be put up sometime next week. However, while in line at the 26th st. Gristedes, the neighboring cashier started asking our cashier some questions, starting with "How do pumpkins grow?" Perhaps being embarrased by her co-workers ignorance, or just playing deaf, the question went unanswered, until I volunteered, "On a vine." The next question is proof that at some point in life, even city kids good benefit from a field trip to a farm or something, or perhaps just to eat somewhere other than McDonald's. As I unloaded my pumpkin onto the counter she asked, "So, can you like eat them and stuff?" Oh Lord... trying to be nice, and hold back the laughter I responded w/ "Uh... yeah, like pumpkin pie, pumpkin seeds, etc". She was all "oh yeah!"
Between that excahange, and Amanda knocking over a display of frosting in a spray can, that was quite possibly one of the funniest grocery store trips ever.
Alright- uh, I guess I should do some work or something?? Will update more after the 3 upcoming Halloween parties, I can't wait!! Happy Halloween everyone!
Love Ya!!
-BOO-los mwahahaha

BOO ya

I meant to write about my weekend earlier this week, but neglected to, and now the memory is hazy… it’s like, um, drank a lot and had fun. Oh yeah, saw a bunch of people from college on Friday, flirted with a cute bartender (which is of NEWSFLASH status, I think), stuck a note in a table that we discovered was a desk (it read: “Dear You, You opened the drawer and I love you. Call me. Love, Amanda,” and had my phone number. I received 2 calls the next day). It was good times. On Saturday, Archana invited me, Tania and Sarah to this party in Tribeca… it was strange, in a huge apartment, with a dj and 2 kegs. You could hear the party from the street, but luckily they had invited the whole building. Very frat-like, but fun. This one guy was dancing like an insane monkey (in a really unappealing way) while wearing a sweater, and when I got in line for the bathroom he cut me, with stains on the back of his tshirt, claiming some girl had spilled water on him and he needed to use the bathroom immediately. Um, sweater guy? We all saw you dancing in that sweater. I am well aware that those are sweat stains. Our conversation went like:

“So, I’ll be quick, just let me go first”
“Um, I think I can be faster than you. What are you planning to do about that anyway?”
“Rinse out my shirt.”
“Yeah, I can definitely be faster than you.”

And he proceeded to go in before me anyway. Chivalry is dead!

And this weekend – Halloween!!! Yay! The wife and I cleaned the apartment, carved pumpkins, and toasted pumpkin seeds last night in preparation for our spooky Halloween bash that is set for tomorrow. Tonight, however, we will pop our costumes’ cherries at Sarah’s party. Hopefully they don’t bleed all over the sheets. Then of course it is off to the bars on Monday, real Halloween. I have taken Tuesday off work, to avoid calling in sick at 12:30 a la last St. Patrick’s Day. As for the costumes; after being RocknRoll Unicorns last year – a concept we pretty much made up, with some inspiration from cable access and Lisa Frank – we are dressing more traditionally this year. I’ll be going as a spooky witch, while Boulos is a dark angel.

Pictures, etc to follow next week.

Spookily,
amanda

p.s. I tried to include a picture of an adorable baby and a pumpkin, but the image thingy wasn't working :(

Our Hero

He doesn't just play guys who totally lose it...

OMG Nick Cage is crazy. So we all heard how he named his won Kal-El, which is apparantly Superman's birth name (I am not nerdy enough to know this off the top of my head). But his statement on the name is just, well, retarded:

"Alice and I wanted to have a name that was exotic and American and which stood for something good, because our son is exotic and he's American and we both think he's good. But having said that, I always liked the sound of the name. It has kind of a magical ring to it: Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam!" (from imdb.com)

Oh, I am so glad to hear that they think their son is good. That's really heartwarming. My heart is also warm with thoughts of the abuse this child will suffer at the hands of bullies in the schoolyard.

Amanda

What the hell do they call our President in Turkey?

Um, remind me not to move to Turkey. I think this is reason enough.

Amanda

Daytime Evil

Hello All!
Another weekend has gone by. Mine was spent partially w/the fam out in good ole' Westfield, NJ, where I spent my formative years. The visit was punctuated with my boyfriend's first presence @ a family dinner. He had met my 'rents briefly in the past, but this was the longest time for all of them to spend together, and I think it went pretty well. I was also drinking heavily during this time to help get through any possible awkward silences, so perhaps my view of the entire evening is a bit skewed, but oh well. I unfortunately missed the sweet mini NYU reunion that the wife went to, and the open bar party on Sat, but I'm sure she'll be telling you all about those sometime soon.
After arriving to work a little hungover, and completely exhausted on a Monday morning, I just wanted to pretend to get some stuff done, drink some coffee, and enjoy the TV in my office. Ellen, usually a trustworthy source of distraction and amusment, but yesterday seemed as though it were an early Halloween epidsode. The most horrifying, nauseating, dispicable display ocurred... AN INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA STREISAND! If you can't tell, the woman makes me want to die. I find her to be almost completely without talent (unless you consider somehow tricking an entire nation, and a sexy older dude that you are worth something a talent), utterly arrogant, and overall a complete an utter festival of crap. Contained in this interview were the following statements:

• Upon being asked "what kind of music do you listen to?" her response was "Why would I listen to music? I don't listen to music!" in an entirely defiant manner...
• When asked if she ever sings around the house, her response "Why would I do that? I NEVER EVER sing around the house!" Follow up of "not even in the shower?" She continued to act horrified esp. when discovering that millions of people all over the world are shower singers.
• Although this list could go on forever, I will end it with this. Ellen asks, "What made you decide to do this record, and why did you choose to let me interview you?" Babs replies, "Pressure for my label, and you have high ratings" without an ounce of irony. WHAT IS THIS WOMAN'S DAMAGE???

Seriously, my boss and I nearly lost it. This woman needs serious help. I also really could have lived without the knowledge that she never wears a bra. If you want to see some of the interview, click here.

~Boulos

Get along, little doggies.

So a coworker has decided to organize a team to participate in this. I’m totally signing up, as we plan to combine scheming, strategy, scavenging, and booze.

God, I am soooo over work. For the past two days, I have been coming in at 10:30, insanely hung over. Needing water. So I have this bottle that I have been refilling from our water cooler for like a month, and today I confirmed what I have suspected for a couple days: the water is turning a slight brownish color. But I keep drinking anyway. Why is it brownish? I mean it’s just water. Which is what I keep telling myself as I drink this obviously disease-ridden stuff. If I have that avian flu next week, I think we will know why.

But this is not why I am over work. The fact is, I am useless. My brain is mush, my body aches, and I have no ability to concentrate. I think the drink is turning me into an ADD-ridden old lady. Last night was Sarah’s Cowboy & Indian –themed party, which was pretty entertaining. I think I drank 2 bottles of wine, and I went with the intention of only dabbling in alcohol. Whoops! The wife made it to this one, and some of the usual suspects were there, as were other random folk. After Pam, Sarah and I compared our versions of the architect party of the night previous, we listened to cowboy music and played some poker. This odd fellow we had not seen for years, who once molested my friend under a table, showed up. We made an effort not to sit next to him. Hoping to actually wake up in my own bed today, I left around 3 or so, but got sidetracked on the way home and wound up at our old college haunt, Barrow Street Ale House. I was good, though, and sent myself home after a beer and some chitchat with another fave bartender, Dr. Z.

Tonight I might get a chance to hang out with a college buddy I haven’t seen in at least a year. But for now, back to blankly staring at claims, and writing emails to friends so that I look like I’m working.

Amanda

p.s. Everyone must come to this! In costume, and that means you, Ass Pirate!

Time to laugh at Old People

Now, I try not to laugh when a story contains a fatality. But, seriously. This is rather insanely amusing.

Does anything good ever happen in Florida, or is darkly humorous as close as they ever get?

Amanda

“Hello, I am an architect. I build… buildings.”

Little-known fact: architects are drunken crazy party animals! Well, ok, I think maybe people pretending to be architects for free drinks are drunken crazy party animals, but man, those architects can dance.

Last night, Sarah D. invited Tania and myself to join her, her roommate Pam, and her fellow architect-types at some, um, architect function? I’m not really sure what the point of it was, though I do remember that the party was at some kind of swanky fabric place in Chelsea. Look, the important thing is: there was an open bar. Also, the invitation indicated that there was dancing “from 7:30 to ?” See? Architects are crazy. They will party until ? !!!! Which turned out to be like 10 or 11 pm, but still. Clearly they were thinking, dawn perhaps?

In any case, Tania and I did a very poor job of pretending to be architects – I mean basically we muttered things about blueprints to one another while waiting for Sarah, gave up on talking about anything related once we were in, and by the end of the night I was revealing my true identity: insurance claims woman.

The place was packed at first and it was really hard to get a drink. One particularly snobby architect-man was heard saying, “jesus, let’s just go get a drink at a bar. This is NOT my scene.” Um, hello! Free drinks = you wait a bit for them, but by the end of the night, feel like some kind of champion who has pulled one over on “the man” by getting shitfaced for free. Duh. However, a few hours after we got there, the party started to thin out (read: it was totally easy to get 2 glasses of wine and begin double-fisting within about 8.5 seconds of one’s approach to the bar). This is also when I looked over towards the dj (ridiculous) and exclaimed, “oh my god you guys – people are actually dancing.”

I was slightly horrified by this – I really don’t believe in dancing at work or networking type events – but I soon noticed that most people in our little group had begun dancing in a rather self-conscious and sarcastic manner. Since I had been double-fisting for a couple rounds by then, I was easily led to the “dance floor,” where my cohorts and I alternated between laughing at people in suits making asses of themselves, and making complete asses of OURselves. By the time the dj stopped playing “In the Club” and salsa music (which pretty much sums up his selection), we had made some new friends, if that is the right word for people you hang out with for a night with no intention of ever contacting again come daybreak. Sarah and Tania claimed fatigue and left, but Pam and I were in it for the long haul, and followed our new “friends” down the road to another bar. Which is were things become hazy. Generally, there was a lot of smoking, a bad decision to sing some karaoke (me: Bohemian Rhapsody with a boy I’d met 2 minutes earlier), I switched to water to avoid the bathroom floor, and some guy we were vaguely connected to was arrested for drunkenly berating the bouncer. Also, I misplaced my phone at some point, which put a damper on the night – but Pam saved my life by calling me at work this morning to inform me that she had somehow wound up with it. Yay Pam!

I stopped off at Tempest Bar on my way home to discover that my favorite English bartender, Martin, is back! He had left us to join the cast of the touring Spamalot, which sadly was cancelled. It is always fun to be reunited with a good bartender, though.

Tonight is Pam and Sarah’s crazy Cowboys and Indians party. Hopefully I will feel less nauseas, more conscious, and ready to fall off the wagon again by then.

Amanda

Good Golly Miss Dolly!

One of the benefits of working for a national TV network is the occasional brush w/celebrities. So, my boss and I just ran down to see country icon and drag queen idol, Dolly Parton perform live on the View. The entire experience was so surreal! Dolly sang a Janice Joplin cover, "Me & Bobby McGee", and did an amazing job! I ran into J there, a prominent tv big wig, in his own right (and he was doing a lot better than Friday night). He is quite the Dolly fan, so I was not surprised to see him there. It was so odd to be watching Dolly Parton between the heads of Merideth Viera and Star Jones... does it get more random??? Dolly Parton is SO TINY, and her boobs are out of control, for real. I am surprised that lil' lady doesn't fall over more often. The funniest thing is that my boss DID NOT KNOW THAT DOLLY'S BOOBS ARE FAKE!!! WHAT?!?!?!?? She thought they were real... that is ridiculous, but awesome.
Alright, well, that's pretty much the most interesting thing to happen to me in the past couple o' days! Man, someone shoudl totally dress up like Dolly for our costume party! Perhaps I will rock that some day... till then, I'll leave it to the drag queens:)
~Boulos